I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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