On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
