What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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