I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
