I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
