I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
