So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
