tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
