it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
