U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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