this boner is exhausting
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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