I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
