an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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