my vag is so smooth its legendary
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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