He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
