this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
