upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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