Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I think I just sharted jello shots
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
