She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
