you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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