I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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