Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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