Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
