My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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