No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
