Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
