he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
