Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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