I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
