Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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