I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
