Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
