You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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