i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
