This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this just has baby written all over it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
