Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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