you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
