If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
