Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
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WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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