What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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