it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
