You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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