Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
