Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
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Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
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We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes