I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
