It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
