I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize