you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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