I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
