I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
