i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
