So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
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