Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
