oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
