What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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