I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
