Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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