i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
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Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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